10 Turns Of Phrase That Make Me Want To Inflict Harm On Others

While not a pessimist or one usually prone to championing the negatives in life, there are some things that really make my lip curl like a pissed off terrier. Today, I’m feeling especially grumpy – looks like Blue Monday came early to Electric Plum – and today, it would appear I got out of bed on the wrong side of the vernacular mattress. So, I thought it’d be good to share some of these itchers. I don’t apologise if any of them apply to you because in a word, you need to sort them out. The bigger picture says I’m doing you a favour…

1. Using the words ‘done or did’ in place of ‘drank or had’. Eg: We did two bottles of wine each last night. No, you didn’t. You drank two bottles of wine each, you imbecile. Even worse; I done most of a crate of beer at the weekend. Maybe you had most of a crate of beer at the weekend, but 1) get a grip on your inability to use verbs correctly and, 2) I’m not impressed by your alcoholic conquests anyway. I probably ought to look into sponsoring Chilean vineyards, but I’m not bragging about it.

2. First syllable abbreviations. As in, choosing to employ adjectives within a sentence but failing to see them through in speech. Eg: It was totes amaze, or, Hilar!, or, Ridic… To the majority of us who speak properly, these examples translate as, It was totally amazing and Hilarious! and Ridiculous… I simply don’t believe that you’re so busy, you don’t have time to finish words: I believe you’re a fuckwit.

3. The modern use of the word ‘epic’. Ulysses was epic. The Odyssey was epic. Even Gladiator was epic. Your Saturday night in Liquid might have been good (although I struggle to relate as to why), but epic? Give over, unless you actually did go out on the town with Homer. (That’s the ancient Greek, by the way, not the yellow bloke off the telly.) Furthermore, ‘epic fail’? If you’re over 21, you have no excuse to be using this expression.

4. Comic Sans. If I’m in a restaurant and notice the menu’s typed up in this, I leave. If I get a pamphlet through the post decked out in it, I throw it away without reading it. Comic Sans is not a fun-loving, ‘I’m normal, just like you’ font choice: it’s a signal that you’re a twat with no imagination and probably no friends.

5. The modern use of the word ‘ideal’. Thankfully, this heinous word crime appears to be subsiding, but that’s no excuse to try and refresh it. The fact that your girlfriend will meet you from work isn’t ideal – an unmortgaged house, no debts and a reliable income is. The fact that the customer service woman in Asda has refunded you £1.20 for your gone off bananas isn’t ideal – affordable organic and Fair Trade food stuffs made ethically accessible to everyone is. By using the word ‘ideal’ to punctuate your approval of something makes you sounds like you’re in desperate need of some extra tuition. Just say ‘great’ or something.

6. Promotional literature sporting basic grammatical errors. I might be a pedant when it comes to grammar, but I’m not so Nazi that I persecute people for their poor grip on it; I for one don’t remember being taught much about possessive apostrophes or the like at school, and for that, I blame Thatcher. Also, no-one’s immune to the odd typo – Im shore their ar seviral in this psot I ahvne’t noteiced… However, I do expect slabs of writing intended for public dissemination to be grammatically correct. Otherwise, I just don’t take you or it seriously. If there’s an ‘S’ at the end of someone’s name, double-check if or not it needs an apostrophe. Similarly, it’s / its, and,  there / their / they’re could do with a quick cross ref just, you know, to ensure you don’t come over all moron.

7. ‘Is it’ in place of ‘really?’. Notice that in the former, there’s no question mark because it’s not a question and makes virtually no sense when said flatly in response to my remark about how I’m worried as to how I’m going to get through January without ending up with too much month at the end of my money. Is it fucking what?

8. Over-zealous use of exclamation marks. Yes, using more than three (and three’s pushing it) on a regular basis really does make you seem like you’re in need of urgent sedation and / or have a really annoying laugh in real life. But then again, maybe you do and you’re just giving me a tacit heads up about that…

9. LOL / LMFAO / PMSL / OMG, Etc. Use of these acronyms is only acceptable if you’re still at school. You might get away with it while you’re a fresher, but only just; the general public will expect you to have sorted yourself out by the time you’re 22. There is no place for any of these acronyms in emails or letters, FYI, and don’t – for God’s sake don’t – say them at me while we’re talking because I might chuck my coffee in your face.

10. ‘Just sayin’… Eg 1: I think the colour you chose for your living room is disgusting. Just sayin’… Eg 2: You’ve got some spinach between your teeth and it’s grossing me out. Just sayin’… Well, obviously you just said. But don’t think that by saying ‘just sayin’ (like that, without the ‘g’) it’s going to placate anything. Because people who say ‘just sayin’ usually say it after they’ve said something rude or forthright to make them appear impartial or not at fault. No; you’re misplacing curt rudeness ahead of a vapid expression that doesn’t in truth get you out of jail free – it just makes you come across as mannerless and borderline sociopathic. I’m sure you have it in you to dream up a better way of giving your opinion on something without having to say ‘just sayin’ as a meagre attempt to spare someone else’s feelings. Just sayin’…



2 thoughts on “10 Turns Of Phrase That Make Me Want To Inflict Harm On Others

    • Oh, yes, so I did…

      11. Using more than … three dots when typing ellipsis makes my shit itch. The writings of Hunter S Thompson are the exception, wherein he always employed …. four. But herein lies the rub; pick a number and stick to it, but anything over five and it’s the written equivalent of saying ‘Uuuummmm’ to dominate spoken dialogue.


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